A big misconception about grief is that it is just a season you have to go through, or just a chapter of your story. Oh the contrary, grief is forever. It changes form, certainly, but it does not go away. It attaches to you and makes a home.

In the beginning your world is so unrecognizable that you do not even know the person you are looking at in the mirror. Grief transforms you. It forms a permanent place in your identity. Heavy, dark and foreign. You have to retrain your brain to do the things that you used to be able to do with ease. Things that came naturally, that made you feel capable and free, are suddenly unattainable. 

As time passes, you learn grief is not the enemy. Grief is love. Grief is the human experience. Grief means you have been blessed with another day. 

You are not broken.

You have been broke open.

You are still you, becoming who you were meant to be. 

One day at a time, one foot in front of the other, your steps will start to feel a little lighter, your head held a little higher. 

They say time heals, but the true blessings that come from time all depend on what you do with it.

Healing depends on who you depend on.

No matter how much time goes on, everyday is a reminder of what is and what isn’t. Every day is a choice. 

Our choices can lead to acceptance and peace, or chronic sorrow and darkness. 

Every day I could wish that I could talk to my brother. I wish we could chat about the latest episode of Armchair Expert until our heads spin. I want to plan our next movie date so we can talk about all the potential next steps for each character after the closing credits. I want to talk about the next book we want to read or what thought provoking things we heard that week. I want to say our favorite movie lines, tell the same joke for the thousandth time and laugh until we can’t breathe. 

Every day I could wish that I could call my mom, every single day. I want to tell her a story, ask her a question, and brag on our babies. I want her encouragement when I’ve had a bad day. I want her guidance when I’m confused, hurt, sad or sick. I want her parenting advice. I want to make plans with her, go to our favorite restaurants, share our favorite foods and shop til we drop. I wish I could plan our next party, holiday or girls day…

When I hear others talk about family vacations with their parents and siblings, holiday gatherings, or birthdays celebrations, I could be sad, envious or angry. I could wonder if they even realize how lucky they are. 

And I do, but I have learned to respond to these feelings with gratitude.

I wonder if we ever truly realize the magnitude of what we have until it’s gone. 

Every day is a choice. We can choose to give in the “what ifs” and the “I wishes”, or we can choose gratitude for all that God has given and appreciate what is in front of us. 

I can tell you with certainty, that gratitude is medicine. It takes time, but it slowly fills in the holes of your heart with love, light, resilience and strength to cherish all the things you have been blessed with, and courage to do all the things you have left to still do. 

Things will start to come together when you feel like yourself just enough to let the light in and find the joy again.

To my surprise, I have found more moments of joy recently than ever before, because I am actually stopping to find it.

Grief doesn’t have to be a dark cloud that we wish away. Grief can turn into a warm hug of sunshine that fills you in such a way that you start to shimmer, as it lights up the world around you ✨